My very own Mr. Big

When I watch episodes of Sex and the City I can't help but feel like I can relate to Carrie. I love her crazy curly hair and quirky fashions. I love how she loves her friends like they are her sisters. I love the fact that she's so neurotic and spends all her money on shoes. But in a more deep way I can relate to how she walked away from Aiden and marriage and continued her on and off again relationship with Mr. Big. Eventhough he was so emotionally unavailable to her for whatever reason she always held a special place for him in her heart. So do we really choose who we love? And by loving certain people does it change who we become? If Carrie and Aiden had met when they were much younger. Would Carrie have freaked out about getting married or would getting married have seemed perfectly natural because she would not have been carrying around 'Mr. Big emotional baggage'.

Sometimes I think the same thing about myself. That I am the product of my relationship experiences. Not long after my son was born I did start dating other people. Things between me and my son's father were very strained and it wasn't working for me at that point. I did meet someone who I clicked with and we began to spend alot of time together. The new guy was at my house all the time and began hinting at living together. He had been married before and had done the step dad thing and was ready to do it again. You would think I would have been excited about this turn of events. Hadn't I begged and pleaded with my son's father to spend more time with me? So why wouldn't I be head over heals about someone who wanted to be with me all the time? I guess by this point I was so used to having my place to myself most of the time that I didn't want someone around all the time. It just didn't feel right to me. I wasn't even willing to let this new guy call me his girlfriend. Even when I was dating after my divorce (around the same time I met my son's father) I noticed that guys that gave off the stable-let's-get-married vibe bored me. So is there something wrong with me or have I been conditioned by my experiences to prefer my independence?

I don't know what kept Carrie holding out for Mr.Big.. but for me I know that my son's father does make progress. To me it might seem like small things that he does or things that he should naturally do if he loved me. But I have learned that for him they are big things. And that he does things that make him uncomfortable because he loves me and our son. I do believe that people can only change but so much. Its like they are rooted in one place and they can only bend their limbs but so far. But I do know that when I look back to six months ago there is definite progress on his part. I was talking with one of my oldest friends about my relationship and she said "We have to choose to love people where they are". That really spoke to me. I know that I can either choose to love my son's father where he is or I can move on to someone else who is already where I want them to be.