Sunday, December 20, 2009

A Search for Peace...

I feel like I have spent so much time and mental energy contemplating the state of my relationships for the last ten years!

The entire time I was with my ex-husband I would sit and think and torture myself about what would happen in the future and what our time line should be for getting married and having kids. After having these long drawn out mental sessions with myself I would then bombard my ex with questions about where we were and where we were going. And then I carried the same neurosis into my next relationship with my son's father. I believe that I subconsciously chose partners who would never be on the same page as me commitment wise. That way I could constantly feed my relationship angst. Through the help of therapy I have learned that the reason I've done that is because I am attempting to recreate my emotionally starved relationship with my own father. And now 10 years later at the age of 31 I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of thinking about it.. comparing myself and relationship to others.. I just want to be...

But I don't even know if that is possible for me. I don't know how not to obsess about something! However this is the perfect time of year to really think about why I do things and what purpose it serves and to search for more peace!

No comments: