Monday, December 28, 2009

Up in the Air

Last night I got to spend some quality time with a long time friend. The conversation was dominated by our relationships. As two African American women we were discussing how we have very few examples around us of healthy, loving, committed relationships. I was telling her about how when I see a happy couple arm in arm in the street or watch happy couples on television that I stop and do this thing where I ask myself  "Do I want that"? Do I want a life partner that is completely integrated into my life?  Sometimes my knee jerk response is yes and sometimes its no. Crazily enough she was saying that she does the same thing. We talked about how seeing our mother's experiences growing up have made us more independent minded when it comes to relationships.

So after dinner we went to see George Clooney's new movie Up In the Air. Without giving away too much of the plot it is about a man who essentially lives in airports and in the air. He doesn't have any emotional attachments to anyone..he doesn't even bother to minimally decorate his one bedroom apartment. So, after the heart to heart with my friend and after watching the movie it brought me back to something I've pondered many times before. Are we as a humans slowly evolving away from marriage and committed relationships? And if so what are we evolving towards? In the movie you do sense that Clooney's character was beginning to realize that there were flaws in the isolated life that he had created for himself. But you also got the sense that he was too far gone to change and that his life would probably continue on the same path.

 My good friend and I ended our heart to heart about relationships on the note that no matter what our relationship statuses, who we love, or where life takes us, we want to strive to live lives that are focused on being true to our selves, feeding our spirits, and chasing beauty.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Snow Induced Introspection

I'm always extremely introspective at the end of the year. There's Christmas, my birthday and New Years all within a week of each other. I.. like most people have always taken this time of year to take stock of my life. What have I done this year..where do I want to go next year. This year I have had even more time for reflection thanks to the little blizzard we had this past weekend. There's something about the earth being blanketed with white snow that has a stilling and calm affect. Its amazing for introspection.

Lately I have been drawn to a lot of dating blogs. Initially I think I told myself that I was reading them because I found them entertaining. But several months later and more problems with my son's father..the honest part of me does think I should move on and date other people. But.. I'm not ready for that yet. So.. if I were to date now I would probably attract someone else who isn't really ready to commit. I'll just be repeating my cycle.Because of right-at-your-fingertips accessibility to online dating I have always drowned my dating woes in online dating profiles, IM-ing, and a flurry of emails with strangers. All that noise enabled me to not have to deal with my stuff or have to think about what I should really be looking for. Eventhough  deep down I truly wanted a partner to build with.. I would tell myself that I was just looking for someone to have fun with. I guess my thinking was that if I don't say what I really want.. than if I don't get it I won't be hurt or dissapointed when it doesn't happen. But..guess what.. I still got hurt and I never gave myself the chance of going after what I really wanted.

What I really need to do is focus on myself. I have been in a relationship for the last ten years. No breaks. I truly need to take some time to look feed my soul. In the past I've been afraid to do this. I guess I was afraid of being alone or of feeling the rejection of a relationship ending. But at this juncture I can continue doing what I have been doing..or I can dig into my deeper self and really figure out what I need and what my next step should be.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

A Search for Peace...

I feel like I have spent so much time and mental energy contemplating the state of my relationships for the last ten years!

The entire time I was with my ex-husband I would sit and think and torture myself about what would happen in the future and what our time line should be for getting married and having kids. After having these long drawn out mental sessions with myself I would then bombard my ex with questions about where we were and where we were going. And then I carried the same neurosis into my next relationship with my son's father. I believe that I subconsciously chose partners who would never be on the same page as me commitment wise. That way I could constantly feed my relationship angst. Through the help of therapy I have learned that the reason I've done that is because I am attempting to recreate my emotionally starved relationship with my own father. And now 10 years later at the age of 31 I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of thinking about it.. comparing myself and relationship to others.. I just want to be...

But I don't even know if that is possible for me. I don't know how not to obsess about something! However this is the perfect time of year to really think about why I do things and what purpose it serves and to search for more peace!