Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Snow Induced Introspection

I'm always extremely introspective at the end of the year. There's Christmas, my birthday and New Years all within a week of each other. I.. like most people have always taken this time of year to take stock of my life. What have I done this year..where do I want to go next year. This year I have had even more time for reflection thanks to the little blizzard we had this past weekend. There's something about the earth being blanketed with white snow that has a stilling and calm affect. Its amazing for introspection.

Lately I have been drawn to a lot of dating blogs. Initially I think I told myself that I was reading them because I found them entertaining. But several months later and more problems with my son's father..the honest part of me does think I should move on and date other people. But.. I'm not ready for that yet. So.. if I were to date now I would probably attract someone else who isn't really ready to commit. I'll just be repeating my cycle.Because of right-at-your-fingertips accessibility to online dating I have always drowned my dating woes in online dating profiles, IM-ing, and a flurry of emails with strangers. All that noise enabled me to not have to deal with my stuff or have to think about what I should really be looking for. Eventhough  deep down I truly wanted a partner to build with.. I would tell myself that I was just looking for someone to have fun with. I guess my thinking was that if I don't say what I really want.. than if I don't get it I won't be hurt or dissapointed when it doesn't happen. But..guess what.. I still got hurt and I never gave myself the chance of going after what I really wanted.

What I really need to do is focus on myself. I have been in a relationship for the last ten years. No breaks. I truly need to take some time to look inward..to feed my soul. In the past I've been afraid to do this. I guess I was afraid of being alone or of feeling the rejection of a relationship ending. But at this juncture I can continue doing what I have been doing..or I can dig into my deeper self and really figure out what I need and what my next step should be.

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