Baby Spirituality

I was reading a fellow mommy blogger's entry about Easter and how she wants her children to know the 'true' meaning of Easter and it got me to thinking. Even though I was raised in a very Christian home.. I don't know what it is exactly that I want to teach my son about Easter or about religion and spirituality for that matter. When he was born I had him christened and I've taken him to church a hand full of times. But when I've gone I just didn't feel connected.

My son is being raised very differently from the way I grew up. And when I really sit down and think about it that really surprises me. I always thought that I would raise a family that looked alot like the one I grew up in. There are many differences between the way I'm raising him and my own upbringing. Other than the fact that he's not being raised in a two parent home the other biggie is that I was raised in the church and so far he isn't. I'm on a spiritual journey myself and right now I don't feel led to go to church. I want my son to have spirituality and a relationship with God.. but I'm just not sure what that should look like yet.

I grew up as a preacher's kid. We never missed church as a family. Being a Christian was a huge part of my upbringing. When I was in college I began to struggle with what I believed to be true. As I've gotten older a big turn off for me and Christianity has been their position on homosexuality. I just can't stomach the hypocrisy and hatred towards a group of people because of who they choose to love. I believe that the focus of Christianity should be to love each other as much as we possibly can. So, I haven't found a church or group where I feel comfortable yet and admittedly I haven't made it a priority either. But I do feel that as a parent it is my responsibility to guide him morally and spiritually.

One thing that I thought I would do was to buy him some children's books with bible stories in them. He has a few.. but for whatever reason I don't feel drawn to most of them.


I guess I just feel like I don't want to be doing my child a disservice while I'm trying to figure out what I believe for myself. But, more than anything I want to raise a child who shows compassion and who loves without seeing any bias at all. I want him to have a heart for humanity and to realize that he should use his time here on earth to make someone elses time here a better experience.

My Book Club Experience

I grew up as an army brat. In other words my dad was in the military  until I was 15. I loved it. We moved all over and even lived in Germany for awhile. Growing up I was always exposed to different cultures and throughout my childhood I usually had just as many white friends as black ones. For me moving between both worlds feels natural and I couldn't imagine life any other way.

With that said, about a year and half ago I decided to join a book club. I was getting ready to take a year off from work to be home with my son. I thought a book club would be a good way to socialize and get out of the house at least once a month. So, I looked on Craigslist and found a book club that looked really interesting. It was a group of women who were reading either classics or literature about foreign countries. I loved this idea. I'm a bit of  a nerd and wanted to read things that would make me think.

I went to the first meeting and thought everyone was great. The first book I read with the group was Zadie Smith's 'White Teeth'. I had previously read 'On Beauty' and loved it.. so I was excited. A year and a half later I have gotten to know the group better and read some amazing books that I never would have picked up on my own.

The only problem that I have with the group is that I'm the only black women in the group. Now, I don't mind being the only one and everyone makes me feel more than welcome. But, sometimes I feel like I over analyze things. So, our process for deciding which books we will read is that we all nominate a book or two and then we vote on which ones we want to read. Last month we read a book that I had nominated entitled 'Plum Bun' by Jessie Fauset. It is a classic from the Harlem Renaissance about a light-skinned black woman who decides to pass for white.  So, my problem is this. I would love to read more African American and African literature with the group. But, I don't want them to feel pressured to read it. When I nominate a 'Black' book everyone will know that I chose that book. I want the group to choose the books that they want to read and not just to appease me or some bit of lurking subconscious white guilt that they may have. But, more than likely this is all just an issue inside my head. Also, I think that I kind of take it a little personal if the group doesn't decide to read an African American book that I have suggested. And then if they do choose the book I feel added pressure for them to like the book. The book seems like an extension of myself.. because its part of my experience.


Someone suggested to me that I start my own book club with people who wanted to read African American literature. I don't want to do this because for one thing I love my book club, they really are a great group of women. But also I like being exposed to books that I wouldn't read on my own. As I thought about this more I thought about the fact that by me suggesting African American literature that the group was not familiar with.. I was also helping to broaden their horizons, just as they were helping to broaden mine.

So, moving forward I think I'll try to silence some of my neurotic-racial inner dialogue and continue to suggest books that I find interesting no matter what the topic. I'll let you know how that goes!

It takes all kinds... of families

As long as I live I don't think I'll ever forget those first days when I found out I was pregnant with my son. I have never felt so many conflicting emotions so intensely in my life. All at once I felt jubilant, scared, overwhelmed, hopeful, and confused. I was 28 and working as a teacher. I knew that I always wanted to be a mother.. but I like most women had always pictured a husband coming along with the baby package. My feelings about becoming a single mother vacillated between becoming giddy about all the mommy things I would finally be doing to genuine concern about whether I would be able to raise a child the way a child deserved to be raised. I would lay awake thinking about how much different my son's life would be from the way that I grew up. My parents met in college and married shortly after. My dad was preacher and we were raised in a rather strict household.

However despite my concerns about what my son's life would be like I knew that I would never accept him becoming a 'statistic'. I knew then that I would do everything in my power to make certain that he went to a good school, valued education and got exposure to many aspects of life. I fully rejected the single-mother-victim mentality. I would not accept that because he was a Black male born to single mother that that meant a death sentence for him. I even managed to stay home with him for most of his first two years of life.

Since becoming the head of my little single parent family I have gravitated towards learning about other unconventional family structures. I started watching 'Big Love' and devoured Rebecca Walker's "One Big Happy Family" . A book that is a beautiful group of essays about different kinds of families. I really embraced the idea that families come in all shapes and sizes and that my little family of two was no less than anyone elses! And then the other day I watched a trailer for Rosie O'donnell's new documentary entitled, 'A family is a family is a family'. The film is about families with same sex parents, mixed heritage parents and single parents. I can't wait to see it.

And so I feel very excited about the future society that my son will inherit. I believe that it will be a future where people will be more accepting of people's differences and see those differences as assets.

Raising our sons

 I began writing my blog partly because I'm very intrigued by the way that relationships/marriages are heading in our society. It seems that more and more people are opting to 'shack up' . And that for those who do choose to marry some of them get divorced and still others cheat on their spouses. Having been a product of a two parent home I always thought I would be married by 25. I am now 31, unmarried and so are most of the women in my circle of friends. So, while I am fascinated with the way that the opposite sexes are relating to each other on the whole..I am even more intrigued by how we as African American men and women relate to each other.

Once I started my blog I started to search for blogs that were writing about issues that interest me. I came across some blogs that were by single Black women and those that promoted marriage in the Black community. And as many of you already know marriage isn't looking so good for Black women. I believe the current stats are that 42% of Black women have never been married. It has been my personal experience and that of my girlfriends that we have been able to find eligible black men to date..it has just been getting ring on it that has proved difficult. Therefore as a Black mother raising a Black son is it not my duty to raise a son who values marriage? And who also sees himself marrying a Black woman?

Should we as Black women who are raising the next generation of Black men be sure that we are steering them in the direction of Black women? I personally don't see anything wrong with that. While I am teaching him to be compassionate, go to college, and open doors for young ladies. I think its also my duty to make sure that he sees the benefit in choosing a Black mate and raising a strong Black family. The reason I feel strongly about this is that marriage is the building block of any community. And currently over 70% of Black children are born into single parent households. We as Black mothers are responsible for raising the Black men that we need more of in our community.

With all of that said we are also raising a generation that may not put as much weight on race as we do. While I was raised by parents who told me vivid stories of segregation and I can personally remember Nelson Mandela being freed from prison. I am raising a son who will have in some of his earliest memories a president that looks like him. So while I will plant seeds for the vision of his future chocolate family..at the end of the day I just want him to be happy with whoever he chooses.

Up in the Air

Last night I got to spend some quality time with a long time friend. The conversation was dominated by our relationships. As two African American women we were discussing how we have very few examples around us of healthy, loving, committed relationships. I was telling her about how when I see a happy couple arm in arm in the street or watch happy couples on television that I stop and do this thing where I ask myself  "Do I want that"? Do I want a life partner that is completely integrated into my life?  Sometimes my knee jerk response is yes and sometimes its no. Crazily enough she was saying that she does the same thing. We talked about how seeing our mother's experiences growing up have made us more independent minded when it comes to relationships.

So after dinner we went to see George Clooney's new movie Up In the Air. Without giving away too much of the plot it is about a man who essentially lives in airports and in the air. He doesn't have any emotional attachments to anyone..he doesn't even bother to minimally decorate his one bedroom apartment. So, after the heart to heart with my friend and after watching the movie it brought me back to something I've pondered many times before. Are we as a humans slowly evolving away from marriage and committed relationships? And if so what are we evolving towards? In the movie you do sense that Clooney's character was beginning to realize that there were flaws in the isolated life that he had created for himself. But you also got the sense that he was too far gone to change and that his life would probably continue on the same path.

 My good friend and I ended our heart to heart about relationships on the note that no matter what our relationship statuses, who we love, or where life takes us, we want to strive to live lives that are focused on being true to our selves, feeding our spirits, and chasing beauty.

Snow Induced Introspection

I'm always extremely introspective at the end of the year. There's Christmas, my birthday and New Years all within a week of each other. I.. like most people have always taken this time of year to take stock of my life. What have I done this year..where do I want to go next year. This year I have had even more time for reflection thanks to the little blizzard we had this past weekend. There's something about the earth being blanketed with white snow that has a stilling and calm affect. Its amazing for introspection.

Lately I have been drawn to a lot of dating blogs. Initially I think I told myself that I was reading them because I found them entertaining. But several months later and more problems with my son's father..the honest part of me does think I should move on and date other people. But.. I'm not ready for that yet. So.. if I were to date now I would probably attract someone else who isn't really ready to commit. I'll just be repeating my cycle.Because of right-at-your-fingertips accessibility to online dating I have always drowned my dating woes in online dating profiles, IM-ing, and a flurry of emails with strangers. All that noise enabled me to not have to deal with my stuff or have to think about what I should really be looking for. Eventhough  deep down I truly wanted a partner to build with.. I would tell myself that I was just looking for someone to have fun with. I guess my thinking was that if I don't say what I really want.. than if I don't get it I won't be hurt or dissapointed when it doesn't happen. But..guess what.. I still got hurt and I never gave myself the chance of going after what I really wanted.

What I really need to do is focus on myself. I have been in a relationship for the last ten years. No breaks. I truly need to take some time to look inward..to feed my soul. In the past I've been afraid to do this. I guess I was afraid of being alone or of feeling the rejection of a relationship ending. But at this juncture I can continue doing what I have been doing..or I can dig into my deeper self and really figure out what I need and what my next step should be.

A Search for Peace...

I feel like I have spent so much time and mental energy contemplating the state of my relationships for the last ten years!

The entire time I was with my ex-husband I would sit and think and torture myself about what would happen in the future and what our time line should be for getting married and having kids. After having these long drawn out mental sessions with myself I would then bombard my ex with questions about where we were and where we were going. And then I carried the same neurosis into my next relationship with my son's father. I believe that I subconsciously chose partners who would never be on the same page as me commitment wise. That way I could constantly feed my relationship angst. Through the help of therapy I have learned that the reason I've done that is because I am attempting to recreate my emotionally starved relationship with my own father. And now 10 years later at the age of 31 I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of thinking about it.. comparing myself and relationship to others.. I just want to be...


But I don't even know if that is possible for me. I don't know how not to obsess about something! However this is the perfect time of year to really think about why I do things and what purpose it serves and to search for more peace!